An Open Letter to My Kids

Happy Mother's Day!

The following is a column I wrote for the Atlanta-Journal Constitution that was published Mother's Day 2008. Since it is as relevant for me now as it was on its publication date, I thought I'd share it with you. Wishing everyone a blessed and peaceful Mother's Day!

Atlanta Journal-Constitution, The (GA)
May 11, 2008
Section: Gwinnett News
Edition: Main; The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
Page: J5

MY VIEW: Dear beloved offspring: You all turned out to be incredible
Happy Mother's Day to me!
   LISA RICARD CLARO

For the Journal-Constitution

This Mother's Day, instead of waiting around for the requisite phone calls and flowers, I decided to write a letter to you, my darling offspring.

First, let me say that I would not trade you for anything. Each one of you has brought a joy and a light into my life that I can't imagine living without.

You are unique individuals, and your lives have already touched the lives of others. I have seen the positive impact you make, and while I am proud of you, I take no acclaim for your accomplishments.

A very wise woman once told me that parents accept more credit for their children's successes -- and failures -- than they have a right to. That wise woman was your Grammy, and when it came to being a mother, she was an expert.

So based on her advice, I will not take credit for your successes, nor blame myself for your failures. I will do what my own Mama did. I will stand by you no matter what. I will cheer you on, offer advice when you ask (and try to keep quiet when you don't), applaud when you succeed and help you see the lessons in failure. I will be here for the good and the bad, the glorious and the sad. Always.

You did not come with instructions. I have long believed that each baby should pop into the world with a waterproof bag duct-taped to his or her behind, and it should contain a "How To" document. Each of you has responded to different types of discipline; you have individual preferences for everything from food to receiving and showing affection; you are different in the ways in which you developed, and in the ways you choose to communicate. How can three children born of the same two parents be so different?

Oh, yeah. A set of instructions would have been a real treat. Still, we made out just fine. Even without the "Raising Kids for Dummies" reference manual, you turned out to be incredible human beings. I guess it just goes to show that God knows what He's doing, even if your parents don't.

Also on this Mother's Day, I need to thank you for all the things you have taught me along this journey we share. Here are the top five:

1. My mistakes are not your mistakes. Just because I made a poor choice when I was 14, or 21, or 26, does not mean that you will make the same poor choice. You don't have to repeat mine. You will make plenty of your own.

2. You know yourself better than I do. I may know you second best, but you know yourself and what makes you comfortable, and I need to respect that. Bear with me while I practice backing off.

3. You do not view everything the same way I do. Just because you grew up in my house under my tutelage does not make you a mini-me. Bear with me while I practice backing off.

4. I do not always understand your decisions, but I do try to respect them. It may not seem like it to you, but I promise, I really do try. It isn't always easy. Bear with me while I practice backing off. (Do you sense a trend?)

5. The path I think is the safest and the best may not be the one you choose. You have your own reasons, preferences and needs that do not always fit into the slot I want them to. I get that. It has taken years, but I really do get that.

I could go on and on. The three of you have taught me more than I could have learned anywhere. We've had our ups and downs. We have been through some rough times, and a kajillion-billion happy ones.

That is life. That is love. That is what we have been blessed to share. The light just keeps getting brighter.

Thank you for giving me a reason to celebrate. I love being a mother, and one thing is certain -- I couldn't have done it without you!

Happy Mother's Day to me!

(copyright 2008 Lisa Ricard Claro for The Atlanta-Journal Constitution)

Sea of Forgetfulness

My mama is on my mind daily, especially now that Mother's Day has a foot in the door.  I miss my mom and talk to her all the time about everything. It isn't the same as actually having her here, but I like to think she looks in on me from time to time and listens as well now as she did before God relocated her to His place.

Today I recalled an incident from my teen years. Prom loomed, and Mama agreed to take me dress shopping.  We picked the night we would go, but when she arrived home from work she was beat. She apologized and promised to take me the next day. To say I was disappointed is an understatement.  I was so angry with Mama for letting me down that I mouthed off, something I rarely did, and stormed out of the house to walk off my mad.

Why I didn't get my butt grounded I'll never know. My anger simmered for a day or so. The shopping trip occurred but I tarnished the excursion with my bad attitude, and have regretted it ever since.

A few months before Mama died she came to visit. We sipped wine and chatted on my back deck one evening and I thought of that incident. As an adult, I understand coming home exhausted after a long day at the office and needing to put off what would most certainly be an hours long shopping trip.

"My behavior that night has haunted me," I confessed. "I made you feel awful for disappointing me, and I should have been nicer and more understanding. If it is any consolation, I empathize now, and I hope you will forgive me."

"Snowflake," she said, "I don't remember that. In fact, I cannot remember a moment when you brought me anything but joy."

We mothers have the ability to toss the bad from our hearts and embrace the good, much as we acknowledge the pain of childbirth even as we minimize it in the glow of our love for our children. That heartaches fade while blessings multiply is one of God's great gifts to mothers.

I still feel guilty about that incident, even though Mama forgave and forgot. Were she with me now I imagine she would tell me to get over it already. Life is too short, she would say, to do anything but love.

Happy Mother's Day -

Lisa